Okay, I'm ready

Alright.
So today I had that Art History exam and it went pretty well. I know I got two of the questions wrong, so based on how much I studied, I might have gotten 4 or 5 wrong out of 50 questions. Not too shabby. So I'm currently bed-ridden for female problems and I may have to go to the doctor tomorrow; not fun.
I just need to rest... I'll talk later... also upset because I'm disappointed in Joe.
Mata... ne...

No Time!

I have an Asian Art History exam tomorrow and I need to sleep, so I'll have to just post tomorrow...
Mata ne!

(Speechless)

Okay... I guess I'm speechless. I honestly didn't think that I could love someone as much as I love Joe. I don't really know what I'd do without him...

We spent a pretty close night together. I really think that we're okay being apart, because the times we do spend together make us so close that it doesn't matter how far apart we are any other time. I would rather he was here with me all the time, but maybe being apart at first will be better. All I know is that I love him, and I'm pretty damn sure I'm never going to stop for as long as I live. He might just be my soul-mate... for lack of a better word. Okay, I'm done ranting about him. ^_^

So today wasn't horrible, but it was pretty long and tiring. I got up at like noon, ate breakfast/lunch and then Kelly and I started studying for the Art History exam we have on Wednesday. Then we had to go to the silly anime meeting where we are currently watching the most stupid anime I've ever seen. I'm serious. It may be cute sometimes, but it just doesn't hold my interest. Ugh.

People are annoying me again. I'm trying my very hardest to control myself and not get frustrated with any of them, but it's hard. Have you ever felt like you just need some time to yourself. Well, ever since I was little, I've felt like that a lot. So when I don't get any "just me" time, which usually occurs on the weekend, I get a little pent-up frustration. I just like to be alone where no one can bug me or talk to me about useless things.

I'm going to the clinic on Tuesday to see if I can get some meds for the silly depression/mood swings I've been having. I think the birth control is causing it, but of course you can't reverse the effects of a shot.

Also, my jaw has been hurting a lot tonight, and it's only the right side. It feels very strange. I guess I'll just sleep it off and hopefully it'll be better by tomorrow morning. Stupid jaw.

This morning I had a little scare. I was supposed to turn in the roster by noon and I woke up too late, but I did get it in. And other people were handing in their rosters late, too. So I don't feel so bad.

Okay, I'm going to watch an episode of Bleach and then go to bed. I'm just really really tired.

Mata ne, I'm sure this time.

So many wrong things right now!

Okay, here's another one of my stupid early morning hours post. I'm probably going to regret it later.

I am SOOOO mad at myself. I can't even control any of my emotions. They just spill out of me and I end up hurting other people and then myself. I feel so stupid! I don't want to do this anymore. I'm starting to think it's the birth control, but if it is, then I can't help it because you can't reverse the effects of a shot.

I can't even study properly for school. I'm ending up concentrating more on stupid things like waiting for my boyfriend to get online or reading manga. And when I do study, I'm thinking about other things so that I can't really focus. I wish I could control myself.

I don't know what to do. This happens so often, not knowing what to do. I feel like all I can do is just let things happen to me. What's going on is that my emotions are controlling me. If I feel annoyed that Joe has to go to sleep... actually that's probably more like jealousy at this point, because I wish I could be the one to go to sleep first... it happens rarely, if at all. So I act rudely. And I'm also at the point where I can't even tolerate people in general. Like I want to hole myself up inside my own personal box and keep everyone out. And then I act poorly towards people, too. I used to just be able to act nice towards everyone, even if they annoyed me. I guess my passive-aggression is manifesting itself. I just want to have a little control, and not hurt the people I care about.

I feel like my main emotions lately have been anger and annoyance and sadness and disappointment. And I feel like they are ALL unjustified. It's so stupid to be annoyed with someone for having a conversation with me when I feel like being alone, and it's stupid to get angry at someone for not talking to me. It's stupid to feel extreme sadness and disappointment when Joe has to go to bed, and I'm not tired yet. I just feel really stupid. I don't even want to deal with things anymore. I want to be stable. I want everything to be stable. I want my emotions to be stable, and my sleeping habits to be stable, and my relationships with other people to be stable. There are just so many things going wrong right now, and I don't know how to make them right...

Why can't things just be right? Nothing is okay right now!!! I can't handle it!

Mata ne.... hopefully...

What a day...

Alright.
So I didn't go to English today... I was far too tired, and I wanted to study for Calculus but that didn't happen. I went to Art History, and almost fell asleep. Then, after doing notes at Brennan's, I went to my Calculus mid-term exam. I think I did horribly. I felt like crying in the middle of the exam because I had to leave some blank because I just didn't know how to solve them. I feel terrible. It really sucks.

But other than that it was a good day. I'm excited to wear a new dress I got for St. Patrick's day. It's really pretty. I also have my Japanese mid-term exam tomorrow. I really really hope I get a perfect score but I don't think that's gonna happen. I often make silly little mistakes with Kanji and stuff... but I've been studying my kanji a lot. Particles are kinda hard, too. I really want the college of Arts and Sciences to get back to me on the whole major change and whatnot. Maybe I'll get the e-mail tomorrow. I hope so...

Ahhh. I really don't have too much else to say. We sent out the Anime program acceptances last night. We still haven't heard from one person so we don't know whether or not he'll say yes, but Anime was his first choice so I imagine he'll agree.

One of my friends is considering dropping out of school. I really don't want him to, but he needs to get it together if he's gonna make it here. I'm glad he's coming to me for support. I like to be there for people when they need me. Feels good, I guess. He's a really good guy so I want him to stay, so we're gonna talk on Wednesday. I also think he has other stuff going on that he needs to talk about. I hope everything turns out right for him. He deserves it.

Heehee, Joe got his hair cut. Apparently really short, too. I really wanna see the pictures!!! He needs to get back from dinner so that he can post them online! I'm anxious!

Hmm, well I guess I need to review for the Japanese test... or I'll read a manga or something.

OKAY! THE MUSIC APPRECIATION SUITE NEEDS TO LEARN THAT DRUMMING ON EVERYTHING IN THEIR ROOMS IS REALLY ANNOYING TO THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE BELOW THEM!!!! AS IS THEIR MUSIC PLAYING ON REPEAT WITH A REPETITIVE BASS LINE FOR A HALF AN HOUR!!!! UUUUGGHHHH!!!

Okay, going to go do something else. Mata ne...

Long time, No see...

Alright. It's been a while, I know. I'm down in Virginia visiting my mom. Tomorrow, I fly back to Vermont. Sooooo... in the past week, a lot of things have happened to me.

Biggest thing: I'm changing my major again. I finally realized that I should be doing what I like doing. Not music education, because that would just be too much work. I'd have to take care of kids and a music library, and instruments, and there are too many different things that I would have to concentrate on with that job. My scatterbrain couldn't handle it. I need something more "black and white" as my mom would call it. So I was thinking about business. It seemed like a stable career, it had enough options to choose from. But you know what? It's not right. I can feel it. And I was reflecting about how I didn't know what I wanted to do, and my mom said that I just had to do what I liked to do. Well, thinking about what I liked to do, I could only come up with Japanese... it's the only thing I like studying for. Actually... I study for it when I'm bored. It doesn't seem like a job ever. Playing the clarinet was always a job or a chore. Studying for economics or thinking about the financial system of the country always seemed like it was over my head. Japanese is just fun. The only thing was, I thought of it as more of a hobby.

Then... I was thinking: Japanese COULD be a job. I was reading a manga at the time, and I thought about how it gets to the state it is so that Americans can read it. Well, wouldn't you know, they need a translator, an editor, a proofreader... I could do all that stuff! I'm a grammar/spelling freak, so in the process of translating text, I'm going to be adjusting grammar and I'll always have good spelling. So why couldn't I be a translator for an Anime or Manga company? It would be sooo cool! And if that didn't work out... well my sister and mom work at a cancer center hospital thing, and they're always calling for translators, as are different companies and hospitals and... well as long as I took some medical terminology course (which you can do online) I could always fall back to that! It seems almost too perfect. But why do something that I only sort of like, and am really terrible at, when I can do something I like that I'm really good at? DUH! I'm also going to minor in Film and TV studies, because it kinda goes along with anime. And I can use it in a business fashion too, as film and TV is an industry that has some international relations stuff...

Another thing I realized, is that I'm a little crazy. Joe didn't talk to me for like 3 days and I was flipping out. I haven't been sleeping well either, so that's been making me grouchy. And I'm just really insecure. I don't even know why, because Joe makes me feel incredibly safe and secure. I'm probably taking for granted what we have. I'm going to stop doing that, and accept that he can't be there for me 24/7 since we're not even living in the same state. >_< It's my fault for getting angry, and it was a little unjustified.

So another thing. I'm in Virginia... and you would think that it would have been nice and warm, right? Nope. There was one day this week that was 70 degrees. The rest were cold. It even snowed one morning. And we were supposed to go to the beach today, but we couldn't because it was cold and rainy. Grr.

I go back to school tomorrow. I have to study for a calculus midterm that I have on Monday... ewww. I also have a Japanese midterm on Tuesday, but I'm not concerned about that... ^_^

Wow. I had a lot to say, I guess. I'm kinda just waiting for Joe to get back from a concert so I can talk to him some more. I get to see him next week!!! So excited!!!

mata ne. I don't know when the next post will be, but I'll try to do it soon...

Frustration much?

Alright. From the title you can probably guess that I'm pretty damn frustrated. I don't know if I even wanna deal with anyone right now. For most people, I'm not even mad at them, I just can't bring myself to be happy. I kinda want to be left alone, but then again, I don't. I'm just so torn between all these things that are happening to me and I don't know how to deal with them. There doesn't seem to be any decision that I can make that would leave me feeling happy, or even just okay... This sucks a lot.
and, yet again... I don't know what to do...

Hmmph

Well... I had an interesting weekend. So I got really scared of the gentlemen on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I mean legitimately out-of-my-mind scared. It was horrible. They terrify me. Joss Whedon is crazy, but he's also brilliant. Dollhouse is fantastic too!

So I don't know why I'm upset about this, but Joe hasn't talked to me much in the last couple of days. We talked a bit last night but... still. He doesn't answer his phone, and I really want to hear his voice. He's not a bad boyfriend, and I'm angry at myself for getting so upset about it... but a 5 minute call wouldn't be too much to ask would it? I hope I'm not over-reacting again...

Anyway. So I'm considering going to the doctor (again), because for the past week I've been having these on and off cramps. They seem like the PMS-y kind but they're sharper and shorter-lasting. Technically you're supposed to see a doctor if cramps last for more than 3 or 4 days but I don't want to make it seem like more than it is. For all I know, it could just be my birth control. Ugh. I'll go on like Tuesday or Thursday if I'm not better (or if I don't get my period) by tomorrow. Stupid body with its stupid problems. Grrr.

Other than that, Program Director stuff for next year is going alright. It's going to be hard to choose people to put into our program... we'll manage though. Program fair on Wednesday!

Not much else going on. Two midterms on Thursday. Econ at 4 and Japanese oral exam at 6:30... >.< not really fun, but I'll just have to deal with it...

It's going to be a busy week. Tuesday I'm going to see Slumdog Millionaire, and we're making stuff for the Program Fair, which is on Wednesday. Thursday I have two midterms and our Art Gallery is opening at 6:00. Friday I'm going home with some of my stuff and hopefully moving some of my possesions into the new house. Then next Monday I'm flying down to Virginia to see my mom!

Busy Busy!

Ah, New Post

I just happen to feel like posting. I'm sorry I unleashed some emotions in the last post; I've pretty much sorted those out...

So I'm studying Japanese right now, or I was before. I really should be writing an essay, but I just love Japanese so much, I like studying for it. Granted, this is being much more productive than I was 3 hours ago. I was supposed to be doing my calculus homework, but instead I placed my forehead against my wall and stood there. I've been deemed the most unproductive procrastinator in the history of the world... which is true for the most part.

So back to Japanese... I like the way it sounds. It can be a really cute language, and it can be a really pissed-off sounding language. It's great. And it's pretty simple to learn, I think. It's just all these damn kanji! Grr...

Man, I'm tired. I slept for a couple of hours this afternoon, so I shouldn't be so tired. It's okay, though. I've got soda.

I suppose I'm going to go work on my essay. Or study Japanese some more...

Mata ne!

FUUUUUCK!!!

Why?! Why can't I just be happy? Why is it so hard for me to be happy? Why do people have to ruin what I try so hard to get? I just try and try and try and I get nothing out of it. I don't know what to do... I don't know what to do...

I'm not the person I want to be... or rather, I'm not the person that I think everyone else wants me to be...

So I've been noticing that I have been shutting out some people and aspects of my life that used to be there before. I've condensed my world to be smaller (in some ways) than it used to be. I'm not sure if this change is good. I feel like a lot of people want me to be integrated into their lives, and I only want to be a part of a few of them. I like my world to be smaller, but people get hurt when I push them out of my main circle. I try and try to condense the circle, and people keep trying to pull the perimeter out to encompass them. I don't want them to hate me because I still like them; but, for me, it's so hard to deal with everyone. I have a hard enough time dealing with my own life, and to have to try to deal with a lot of other people's is hard. That's not to say that I don't like helping people out, but the number of people that I can help is limited. There are things that I want to do, and right now, I'm trying to make sure that I'm happy, because if I'm not happy, the people around me are affected. So I'm not sure who to cater to: myself, or the people around me?

So that's my thought for today. As for the shallower thoughts, my boyfriend hasn't talked to me in 2 days, but he said that he would call me yesterday, and he didn't. And he didn't talk to me today, either. So I'm sad. I'm also over-reacting big time. I know he's probably busy (except that today is Friday, so not many people would be doing homework and things) but I can't help feeling like he's being rude by not answering his phone or sending me a text saying that he's too busy to talk or something. Any sign that he's still alive, and acknowledges that I'm here, would be okay with me. *Sigh* Again, I'm over-reacting a little.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a really great show. "Enemies" is a great episode. ^_^

I'm a little depressive right now. It happens when I don't get to talk to him. And when I'm under stress. A lot of people are asking a lot of things from me, and a lot of people are driving me up the wall with their annoying-ness. So maybe it's a combination of sadness, annoyance, and all around being stressed-out that's gotten me down lately. I hope it all changes, and soon.

Wow...

Okay, so maybe I don't have to worry as much as I have been. He seems to really love me, and he doesn't want to leave me. He knows that the future is unpredictable... but he told me he won't leave me anytime soon. As vague as that sounds, it's still really comforting to know that he'll be around for a while. We're being as optimistic as possible. So I'm content for the moment.

Or am I?

I'm not content with this stupid bronchitis. It's disrupting my paying attention in class, and making my taste buds go all out of whack. I just keep coughing and coughing and coughing and coughing, and it just doesn't stop! It's driving me nuts.

Oh! So today, I got back my English essay. The highest grade in the class was a B. My grade was a B. I think I did pretty well. Also, we got our Art History exams back. I got an 89. Pretty good, considering that a LOT of people failed.

Tomorrow I have a kanji quiz. So I need to study for that. All this silly kanji. I think it's the most difficult aspect of the Japanese language. Everything else is pretty easy peasy. BTW, "easy peasy" is the phrase of choice for me right now.

Well that's all the news I have to update you with.

Mata ne.

Is this what it's come to?

Some information has come to my attention which has caused me to delete this post. Sorry.

Hold the phone!

Whoa. What a weekend. I visited my boyfriend in New York and it was AMAZING...
I know he's not going to read this so I guess I can just say... I think he's the one. The one person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know he doesn't feel as strongly about me, at least not yet, which makes me a little sad but I'll get over it. I was so sad to leave him this morning. I cried at the train station as I was saying goodbye. And then I cried on the train, too. It's so strange how love changes you. I used to not be so emotional. I really really love him. I wanted to apply to his college so I could be with him, but there are many reasons why I just couldn't do that. I would love to change my life for him, but what if he stops loving me? I'm just left with a life that I'm not happy with, and that wouldn't do me any good. If I could guarantee that I wasn't risking that much to be with him, I would totally go to where he is... but the fact is that I would be risking a lot, so I just can't. :(
I've got bronchitis, and it sucks. It seems to have gotten worse on the train back. I hate coughing. It sucks a lot. I'm gonna sleep...

Alright...

Okay, so let's get down to business.
Thing numero uno: I'm sick right now. I haven't posted in a while so I didn't mention that I had bronchitis during finals week. And now I'm afraid that I might have it again, which is SO not cool. Actually it sucks. All the balls. Except for Edward's. And maybe Angel's. Yeah I've been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. My stomach kinda hurts.
Anyway. So other than that, school is going really well. I decided to change my major. It seems that Music Ed. just wasn't for me. I decided to go down the career path of Business Administration, which seems a bit more practical to me. And everything's going pretty well. I used to HATE math with a passion but now that I'm taking Calculus, I kinda like it, it's pretty chill. And I'm starting to wonder why EVERYONE isn't taking Economics, because that just seems like the most common sense class ever.
And the best thing ever? That guy... you know, the one I had a fit over? Decided he wanted to date me. We're now going out. And I'm the happiest that I've been in a long time, and he tells me that he's really happy, too. You know what? He might be "the one". And I really hope so. I hope we can stay together forever. I know it's a lot to ask, and it might not happen, but I can still hope. I want to do everything I can to keep us together. I don't want anyone else but him. He says he loves me, and I hope he loves me forever. But you never know, he could fall out of love, and I'd be pretty heartbroken. But at least I know that for now, we're happy, and that's all I want. We talk so much and I'm going to see him this weekend (Valentine's Day ^_-) even though I'm sick. I'm just so happy I can't even explain it. I feel so great!
I'll post more later. It's time for some sleepage, so I can get better.

Okay, So I haven't exactly posted in about 5 months...

Yeah, it's been a while.
Twilight movie... actually isn't that good. It was the first two times I saw it, but then I realized what a horrible directing job it had. Too many close shots... I don't particularly want to look at someone's face that much, even if it is Rob Pattinson... JEEZ.
I think I'm going to end this post here. I just needed to rant on that a little. And it would be awkward to talk about the next subject following that whole deal.

"You can never find the right person if you can never let go of the wrong...
But at the same moment you feel like letting go...
You remember why you held on for so long.
Sometimes you have to forget what you want...
And remember what you deserve."

I'm having a bit of trouble... still...

WHOA TWILIGHT!!!

Jesus fucking christ, this is going to be one hell of a movie...
Make sure you let the video load for about 5 minutes so you get the entire preview!!!


Twilight HD Exclusive Trailer

WOW long break...

So it's been almost a month since my last post. "Why?" you may ask. It's because I have almost no time for computer stuff. College life is busy.

I like it though. It's nice to take care of myself... wait a sec, I was doing that before. It's nice to not have people nagging at me all the time? That's more like it.

I'm having some inner conflicts right now though... it seems that all I can think about is getting attention... and mostly from guys. I'm trying to understand it. I think it's just part of me to want that kind of attention. I'm not sure.

In other news. Stephanie Meyer's series of books, Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn... best series ever. Vampires... sexy, delicious vampires. So romantic and action filled. So amazing.

So turns out, I'm terrible at tennis. I got into a tennis class, 8am on Mondays and Wednesdays. I'm just plain awful at it. That doesn't mean I don't have fun. I do. But I'm just sooo bad at it.

Japanese class is really fun and the teacher is really funny. I'm getting an A+ in the class... I hope it raises my GPA a lot, cuz music theory is bringing it down. Yes, the music major is having trouble in music theory. But I'm getting better at it. The teacher is just sooo dull... which makes it harder to pay attention.

The people in my suite and program are really nice. I like just about everyone. It's been really fun hanging out with people, so far. I hope I can keep up with my Arts Initiative stuff though. We're supposed to do one thing artsy a week, and so far I haven't had time for anything. Which sucks for me, basically. Ah well, I'll figure it out eventually.

Anyway. I need to go find something productive to do. TTYL

Michiko

Still Packing

I'm really glad I started packing on Sunday, 'cause otherwise I'd have to scramble to get everything together...

Yeah so for the past couple of days I've just been casually packing. but now that I leave in two days (!!!) I'm sort of wondering how I'm supposed to put all of this stuff together. I went to my dorm room yesterday. The suite itself is really awesome, but my room is kinda small. So I lofted my bed and put the desk under it to make some more space. My keyboard also has to go in there, plus all the rest of my stuff. I think my bean bag chair will have to go out into the common room (the living room-ish area in the suite).

As for my love life, the guy hasn't talked to me in a while. Not that I'm unhappy, really. I'm not sure why, but I'm almost ok with it. No, I know why. It's because I realized... and accepted... that there are a lot of potential boyfriends that I could get in college, ones that would treat me a hell of a lot better. (Actually I'm incredibly attracted to the guy who helped me loft my bed yesterday ^_^) Oh, and my suite IS co-ed. The bad thing about that...I haven't told my dad...and he's the one helping me move in...So I'm not really sure how that's going to work out.

Ok so a couple of things are bothering me... one is the whole my ex-boy is not talking to me even though we agreed to be friends. Two is that I still haven't applied for my loans...I have to wait for my dad to get home in order to do that though. Three is that my step-mom is bitching at me to clean the house, when I'm like "What the fucking hell, I'm leaving in two days and I'm the only one who cleans, so you want me to clean the house so it can be less like a pigsty for longer? Why don't you have the people who make the messes clean it up?" Ok I did'n't actually say that, but I was thinking it. So she says that if the house is still a mess when she gets home, she's leaving and never coming back. So I *thought* to myself "Great, if you wanna be that childish to do something like that, be my guest." I'm a slight pushover when it comes to her though (try being scared of someone you live with for about 10 years, you'll know what I mean) so I'm going to actually clean and she also wants me to do inventory for the burnt house today >.< . Four... (yeah I know three was kinda long) is that I need to freaking pack... and I'm feeling a little pressed for time...

In other news. I'm reading Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner. Half-way through. V. good book. Also reading Kare Kano...LOVE. I'm kinda absorbed in that, so I'm not reading Good in Bed as much. But I really wanna finish both so I can read the Twilight series...the one that EVERYONE is in love with. Based on my previous experiences, I'm bound to love it and obsessively read it over and over... but we'll see. LOL

So I've found that I'm much more happy nowadays, no matter what stupid shit goes on from everyone else. My *real* friends make me happy, and I guess I've been making myself happy too. Going to college might be part of it, as well.

Anyway, I'd better go clean before I get bitched out again. Then more packing! JOY. I'm also making collages and stuff to decorate my dorm with.... Should be a busy but fun rest of the day...
またね
美知子