(Speechless)

Okay... I guess I'm speechless. I honestly didn't think that I could love someone as much as I love Joe. I don't really know what I'd do without him...

We spent a pretty close night together. I really think that we're okay being apart, because the times we do spend together make us so close that it doesn't matter how far apart we are any other time. I would rather he was here with me all the time, but maybe being apart at first will be better. All I know is that I love him, and I'm pretty damn sure I'm never going to stop for as long as I live. He might just be my soul-mate... for lack of a better word. Okay, I'm done ranting about him. ^_^

So today wasn't horrible, but it was pretty long and tiring. I got up at like noon, ate breakfast/lunch and then Kelly and I started studying for the Art History exam we have on Wednesday. Then we had to go to the silly anime meeting where we are currently watching the most stupid anime I've ever seen. I'm serious. It may be cute sometimes, but it just doesn't hold my interest. Ugh.

People are annoying me again. I'm trying my very hardest to control myself and not get frustrated with any of them, but it's hard. Have you ever felt like you just need some time to yourself. Well, ever since I was little, I've felt like that a lot. So when I don't get any "just me" time, which usually occurs on the weekend, I get a little pent-up frustration. I just like to be alone where no one can bug me or talk to me about useless things.

I'm going to the clinic on Tuesday to see if I can get some meds for the silly depression/mood swings I've been having. I think the birth control is causing it, but of course you can't reverse the effects of a shot.

Also, my jaw has been hurting a lot tonight, and it's only the right side. It feels very strange. I guess I'll just sleep it off and hopefully it'll be better by tomorrow morning. Stupid jaw.

This morning I had a little scare. I was supposed to turn in the roster by noon and I woke up too late, but I did get it in. And other people were handing in their rosters late, too. So I don't feel so bad.

Okay, I'm going to watch an episode of Bleach and then go to bed. I'm just really really tired.

Mata ne, I'm sure this time.

Is this what it's come to?

Some information has come to my attention which has caused me to delete this post. Sorry.

Alright...

Okay, so let's get down to business.
Thing numero uno: I'm sick right now. I haven't posted in a while so I didn't mention that I had bronchitis during finals week. And now I'm afraid that I might have it again, which is SO not cool. Actually it sucks. All the balls. Except for Edward's. And maybe Angel's. Yeah I've been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. My stomach kinda hurts.
Anyway. So other than that, school is going really well. I decided to change my major. It seems that Music Ed. just wasn't for me. I decided to go down the career path of Business Administration, which seems a bit more practical to me. And everything's going pretty well. I used to HATE math with a passion but now that I'm taking Calculus, I kinda like it, it's pretty chill. And I'm starting to wonder why EVERYONE isn't taking Economics, because that just seems like the most common sense class ever.
And the best thing ever? That guy... you know, the one I had a fit over? Decided he wanted to date me. We're now going out. And I'm the happiest that I've been in a long time, and he tells me that he's really happy, too. You know what? He might be "the one". And I really hope so. I hope we can stay together forever. I know it's a lot to ask, and it might not happen, but I can still hope. I want to do everything I can to keep us together. I don't want anyone else but him. He says he loves me, and I hope he loves me forever. But you never know, he could fall out of love, and I'd be pretty heartbroken. But at least I know that for now, we're happy, and that's all I want. We talk so much and I'm going to see him this weekend (Valentine's Day ^_-) even though I'm sick. I'm just so happy I can't even explain it. I feel so great!
I'll post more later. It's time for some sleepage, so I can get better.

Are You Ready for This?

Ok here goes.
He doesn't give a flying fuck about me. I thought he cared for me a little bit, but no..he doesn't. We had everything that makes a relationship except the titles, and I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me, then kinda took it back...
NOW he's told me that he had sex twice with his ex-BOYFRIEND! After I told him I loved him...you'd think he'd be considerate enough to let me go, to stop being so freaking intimate with me...but no! he kept it from me for a couple of weeks! And I've been denying the pain he's put me through, but now it's all crashing down on me in one huge tsunami of hurt. My heart crumbled, shattered, disintegrated...

I don't ever want to feel that pain again. He was everything I wanted. Though the tiny fragment of the heart that belonged to him, which still remains, is denying it, I will never be able to have him. It hurts to know that I will get nothing that I want. So I decided with my friends' help that I would cut off contact with him...for a few months at least. I need to stop loving him if I can. If I can't? I won't ever talk to him again. I devoted the last year of my life to him, and I feel so STUPID now for doing so. The only thing I wanted was for him to be happy, if he had called me in the middle of the night saying he wanted me there, I would have been there. I don't know if there was anything I wouldn't have done for him. And that scares me. It scares me that I could be so devoted to someone. But maybe that's what love is? Devoting every cell in your body to someone. So, if I love him this much...how do I get over that? I said I would come back to him as his friend...but...can I really come back having fallen out of love? I don't know if my heart wants to let go of that love.

So I need to find someone else to love. Someone I can find that will devote themselves to me, like I would do for them. Someone who won't hurt me. Someone who respects me...Someone who won't treat me like I'm DISPOSABLE...

I saw him one last time to say goodbye...I didn't cry until I was walking away...luckily one of my best friends was there with me to support me...and she let me cry...then after I was done, we went out and had a blast. She made me laugh so hard I cried...It will be her and the other friends I have around me that will get me through this...

Did I say this already? A few years ago I was diagnosed with depression. Those who have not experienced this disease doesn't know what it's like to be sad ALL THE TIME. Day in and day out, all tears and sadness. Problems I couldn't solve...people I couldn't stand. I took comfort in, regrettably, my OCD. I would watch movies in my room over and over and over, until I could recite the lines word for word. That was my vice, that's how I escaped the sadness. It was wrong. I couldn't face the sadness so I avoided it. Shit...that's kinda what I'm doing now, isn't it? But what else am I going to do? If I keep loving him, I'm just going to get hurt again and again. The morning after he confessed to me, I woke up, and that same sadness, the way my body felt, numb and heavy and lifeless...that's how I felt. That sadness is one of the worst memories for me, I NEVER wanted to feel it ever EVER again. He forced me...to feel it. So I need to stop loving him...I forgave him, I always do...but how many more times will I need to forgive him if I keep loving him? Doesn't he not deserve my love? He doesn't understand how much I love him or how much I devote myself to him.

So now it's only been two days, but it feels like two weeks. I can't imagine myself getting through this, but I'm going to give it my all. No matter how much it hurts...
But he made me relive the thing that I had been pushing myself away from.

So I've decided. Until I find someone new, and even after maybe. I won't contact him at all. Until I fall out of love...I can't. And you know what. I've decided to pick up tennis. Not even kidding. I'm going to learn and start playing it. It will be my new vice, and it's a healthy one too. My university has great indoor tennis courts, and I hope I can play at least a couple of times a week. I also just emailed the tennis instructor asking if she would give me lessons. So far I've only played by myself against a brick wall, but hopefully my dad can find some time to play with me eventually.

I'm going to go play again tomorrow morning. I think I picked a good vice.

Sorry about how long this rant was...it was long coming though...

またね
美知子

Wow...

So, I guess some of the things I said in my last post weren't true...
I thought he could never love me... but I guess he does...

I'm indescribably happy right now.

I hadn't really loved anyone before, so I never knew what it felt like to tell someone I love them. Now I do...and now I know what it's like for that person to say it back. It feels amazing...

The problem? I'm going to Virginia for a couple of weeks, and won't be able to see him until I get back. But it's ok. Last night left me with enough happiness to last a few weeks, and the memories will last for much longer than that....

I think I'm just going to delete my last post...I was really wrong I guess. Maybe I was just sad at the time...or something. Maybe my intuition isn't that strong.

Anyway. So I'm happy. Except my arm hurts from a stupid tetanus shot plus a meningicoccal(sp?) vaccine. It wouldn't bother me, except I sleep on my side...

Funny Story! So the other day, one of my friends and I went to a consignment shop. Well, there was a wedding dress in there, and we decided I should try it on. And I did. It was a gorgeous dress. Though it was a little heavy, and it wouldn't zip up all the way because I have breasts, but it was still fun to try on. My friend took a picture, maybe I'll post it later. Anyway, we also decided that we were going to go to a bridal shop, and tell them I'm getting married just so I can try on dresses. I thought that would be amazing. That dress made me want to get married, LOL.

Today seems a lot brighter to me....

Finally! A happy post! ^_^

あたしはとても嬉しいです！
I'm so happy!

またね
美知子です（I'm using a different character for "mi" now)

Love?

This post is no longer applicable due to a...change of heart...
So I deleted it. Sorry...
Basically I talked about someone I love. I thought he didn't love me back.
I thought love was pain...
Maybe it's not...