Ah, New Post

I just happen to feel like posting. I'm sorry I unleashed some emotions in the last post; I've pretty much sorted those out...

So I'm studying Japanese right now, or I was before. I really should be writing an essay, but I just love Japanese so much, I like studying for it. Granted, this is being much more productive than I was 3 hours ago. I was supposed to be doing my calculus homework, but instead I placed my forehead against my wall and stood there. I've been deemed the most unproductive procrastinator in the history of the world... which is true for the most part.

So back to Japanese... I like the way it sounds. It can be a really cute language, and it can be a really pissed-off sounding language. It's great. And it's pretty simple to learn, I think. It's just all these damn kanji! Grr...

Man, I'm tired. I slept for a couple of hours this afternoon, so I shouldn't be so tired. It's okay, though. I've got soda.

I suppose I'm going to go work on my essay. Or study Japanese some more...

Mata ne!

FUUUUUCK!!!

Why?! Why can't I just be happy? Why is it so hard for me to be happy? Why do people have to ruin what I try so hard to get? I just try and try and try and I get nothing out of it. I don't know what to do... I don't know what to do...

I'm not the person I want to be... or rather, I'm not the person that I think everyone else wants me to be...

So I've been noticing that I have been shutting out some people and aspects of my life that used to be there before. I've condensed my world to be smaller (in some ways) than it used to be. I'm not sure if this change is good. I feel like a lot of people want me to be integrated into their lives, and I only want to be a part of a few of them. I like my world to be smaller, but people get hurt when I push them out of my main circle. I try and try to condense the circle, and people keep trying to pull the perimeter out to encompass them. I don't want them to hate me because I still like them; but, for me, it's so hard to deal with everyone. I have a hard enough time dealing with my own life, and to have to try to deal with a lot of other people's is hard. That's not to say that I don't like helping people out, but the number of people that I can help is limited. There are things that I want to do, and right now, I'm trying to make sure that I'm happy, because if I'm not happy, the people around me are affected. So I'm not sure who to cater to: myself, or the people around me?

So that's my thought for today. As for the shallower thoughts, my boyfriend hasn't talked to me in 2 days, but he said that he would call me yesterday, and he didn't. And he didn't talk to me today, either. So I'm sad. I'm also over-reacting big time. I know he's probably busy (except that today is Friday, so not many people would be doing homework and things) but I can't help feeling like he's being rude by not answering his phone or sending me a text saying that he's too busy to talk or something. Any sign that he's still alive, and acknowledges that I'm here, would be okay with me. *Sigh* Again, I'm over-reacting a little.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a really great show. "Enemies" is a great episode. ^_^

I'm a little depressive right now. It happens when I don't get to talk to him. And when I'm under stress. A lot of people are asking a lot of things from me, and a lot of people are driving me up the wall with their annoying-ness. So maybe it's a combination of sadness, annoyance, and all around being stressed-out that's gotten me down lately. I hope it all changes, and soon.

Wow...

Okay, so maybe I don't have to worry as much as I have been. He seems to really love me, and he doesn't want to leave me. He knows that the future is unpredictable... but he told me he won't leave me anytime soon. As vague as that sounds, it's still really comforting to know that he'll be around for a while. We're being as optimistic as possible. So I'm content for the moment.

Or am I?

I'm not content with this stupid bronchitis. It's disrupting my paying attention in class, and making my taste buds go all out of whack. I just keep coughing and coughing and coughing and coughing, and it just doesn't stop! It's driving me nuts.

Oh! So today, I got back my English essay. The highest grade in the class was a B. My grade was a B. I think I did pretty well. Also, we got our Art History exams back. I got an 89. Pretty good, considering that a LOT of people failed.

Tomorrow I have a kanji quiz. So I need to study for that. All this silly kanji. I think it's the most difficult aspect of the Japanese language. Everything else is pretty easy peasy. BTW, "easy peasy" is the phrase of choice for me right now.

Well that's all the news I have to update you with.

Mata ne.

Is this what it's come to?

Some information has come to my attention which has caused me to delete this post. Sorry.

Hold the phone!

Whoa. What a weekend. I visited my boyfriend in New York and it was AMAZING...
I know he's not going to read this so I guess I can just say... I think he's the one. The one person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know he doesn't feel as strongly about me, at least not yet, which makes me a little sad but I'll get over it. I was so sad to leave him this morning. I cried at the train station as I was saying goodbye. And then I cried on the train, too. It's so strange how love changes you. I used to not be so emotional. I really really love him. I wanted to apply to his college so I could be with him, but there are many reasons why I just couldn't do that. I would love to change my life for him, but what if he stops loving me? I'm just left with a life that I'm not happy with, and that wouldn't do me any good. If I could guarantee that I wasn't risking that much to be with him, I would totally go to where he is... but the fact is that I would be risking a lot, so I just can't. :(
I've got bronchitis, and it sucks. It seems to have gotten worse on the train back. I hate coughing. It sucks a lot. I'm gonna sleep...

Alright...

Okay, so let's get down to business.
Thing numero uno: I'm sick right now. I haven't posted in a while so I didn't mention that I had bronchitis during finals week. And now I'm afraid that I might have it again, which is SO not cool. Actually it sucks. All the balls. Except for Edward's. And maybe Angel's. Yeah I've been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. My stomach kinda hurts.
Anyway. So other than that, school is going really well. I decided to change my major. It seems that Music Ed. just wasn't for me. I decided to go down the career path of Business Administration, which seems a bit more practical to me. And everything's going pretty well. I used to HATE math with a passion but now that I'm taking Calculus, I kinda like it, it's pretty chill. And I'm starting to wonder why EVERYONE isn't taking Economics, because that just seems like the most common sense class ever.
And the best thing ever? That guy... you know, the one I had a fit over? Decided he wanted to date me. We're now going out. And I'm the happiest that I've been in a long time, and he tells me that he's really happy, too. You know what? He might be "the one". And I really hope so. I hope we can stay together forever. I know it's a lot to ask, and it might not happen, but I can still hope. I want to do everything I can to keep us together. I don't want anyone else but him. He says he loves me, and I hope he loves me forever. But you never know, he could fall out of love, and I'd be pretty heartbroken. But at least I know that for now, we're happy, and that's all I want. We talk so much and I'm going to see him this weekend (Valentine's Day ^_-) even though I'm sick. I'm just so happy I can't even explain it. I feel so great!
I'll post more later. It's time for some sleepage, so I can get better.

Okay, So I haven't exactly posted in about 5 months...

Yeah, it's been a while.
Twilight movie... actually isn't that good. It was the first two times I saw it, but then I realized what a horrible directing job it had. Too many close shots... I don't particularly want to look at someone's face that much, even if it is Rob Pattinson... JEEZ.
I think I'm going to end this post here. I just needed to rant on that a little. And it would be awkward to talk about the next subject following that whole deal.

"You can never find the right person if you can never let go of the wrong...
But at the same moment you feel like letting go...
You remember why you held on for so long.
Sometimes you have to forget what you want...
And remember what you deserve."

I'm having a bit of trouble... still...

WHOA TWILIGHT!!!

Jesus fucking christ, this is going to be one hell of a movie...
Make sure you let the video load for about 5 minutes so you get the entire preview!!!


Twilight HD Exclusive Trailer

WOW long break...

So it's been almost a month since my last post. "Why?" you may ask. It's because I have almost no time for computer stuff. College life is busy.

I like it though. It's nice to take care of myself... wait a sec, I was doing that before. It's nice to not have people nagging at me all the time? That's more like it.

I'm having some inner conflicts right now though... it seems that all I can think about is getting attention... and mostly from guys. I'm trying to understand it. I think it's just part of me to want that kind of attention. I'm not sure.

In other news. Stephanie Meyer's series of books, Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn... best series ever. Vampires... sexy, delicious vampires. So romantic and action filled. So amazing.

So turns out, I'm terrible at tennis. I got into a tennis class, 8am on Mondays and Wednesdays. I'm just plain awful at it. That doesn't mean I don't have fun. I do. But I'm just sooo bad at it.

Japanese class is really fun and the teacher is really funny. I'm getting an A+ in the class... I hope it raises my GPA a lot, cuz music theory is bringing it down. Yes, the music major is having trouble in music theory. But I'm getting better at it. The teacher is just sooo dull... which makes it harder to pay attention.

The people in my suite and program are really nice. I like just about everyone. It's been really fun hanging out with people, so far. I hope I can keep up with my Arts Initiative stuff though. We're supposed to do one thing artsy a week, and so far I haven't had time for anything. Which sucks for me, basically. Ah well, I'll figure it out eventually.

Anyway. I need to go find something productive to do. TTYL

Michiko

Still Packing

I'm really glad I started packing on Sunday, 'cause otherwise I'd have to scramble to get everything together...

Yeah so for the past couple of days I've just been casually packing. but now that I leave in two days (!!!) I'm sort of wondering how I'm supposed to put all of this stuff together. I went to my dorm room yesterday. The suite itself is really awesome, but my room is kinda small. So I lofted my bed and put the desk under it to make some more space. My keyboard also has to go in there, plus all the rest of my stuff. I think my bean bag chair will have to go out into the common room (the living room-ish area in the suite).

As for my love life, the guy hasn't talked to me in a while. Not that I'm unhappy, really. I'm not sure why, but I'm almost ok with it. No, I know why. It's because I realized... and accepted... that there are a lot of potential boyfriends that I could get in college, ones that would treat me a hell of a lot better. (Actually I'm incredibly attracted to the guy who helped me loft my bed yesterday ^_^) Oh, and my suite IS co-ed. The bad thing about that...I haven't told my dad...and he's the one helping me move in...So I'm not really sure how that's going to work out.

Ok so a couple of things are bothering me... one is the whole my ex-boy is not talking to me even though we agreed to be friends. Two is that I still haven't applied for my loans...I have to wait for my dad to get home in order to do that though. Three is that my step-mom is bitching at me to clean the house, when I'm like "What the fucking hell, I'm leaving in two days and I'm the only one who cleans, so you want me to clean the house so it can be less like a pigsty for longer? Why don't you have the people who make the messes clean it up?" Ok I did'n't actually say that, but I was thinking it. So she says that if the house is still a mess when she gets home, she's leaving and never coming back. So I *thought* to myself "Great, if you wanna be that childish to do something like that, be my guest." I'm a slight pushover when it comes to her though (try being scared of someone you live with for about 10 years, you'll know what I mean) so I'm going to actually clean and she also wants me to do inventory for the burnt house today >.< . Four... (yeah I know three was kinda long) is that I need to freaking pack... and I'm feeling a little pressed for time...

In other news. I'm reading Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner. Half-way through. V. good book. Also reading Kare Kano...LOVE. I'm kinda absorbed in that, so I'm not reading Good in Bed as much. But I really wanna finish both so I can read the Twilight series...the one that EVERYONE is in love with. Based on my previous experiences, I'm bound to love it and obsessively read it over and over... but we'll see. LOL

So I've found that I'm much more happy nowadays, no matter what stupid shit goes on from everyone else. My *real* friends make me happy, and I guess I've been making myself happy too. Going to college might be part of it, as well.

Anyway, I'd better go clean before I get bitched out again. Then more packing! JOY. I'm also making collages and stuff to decorate my dorm with.... Should be a busy but fun rest of the day...
またね
美知子

*Sigh*

Alright, so I ended up talking to him. And now, I feel like an idiot. So surprising, right?
He keeps hurting me...even when we're just friends...I don't know if it's because I still love him or something, but he doesn't even seem to act like a good friend to me. It's like, "ok, I demoted myself to just friends status," and he acts like he doesn't even want to be that. Even my just regular friends, not even my best friends treat me better than he does...

You know what I really need? Someone new. Someone who will treat me like I should be treated. Someone who will actually care.
I think I can find that person really easily. Especially at college. By the way, I move in on Friday! Yay!
Anyway, it's not like I can just forget about him or erase him from my life. I kinda want him to be a part of it, but the way he's been treating me makes me feel like I should just try to find a replacement (as if that's possible, but maybe...)

I think I talk too much about my love life. It's not like there's anything else that's going on in my life worth mentioning, really. I've been shopping lately for college. I hang out with my friends sometimes...I feel a lot better hanging out with them. It makes me feel like I can get over him...but whenever I'm not with them...a little bit more difficult.

He really doesn't understand my feelings at all. He doesn't understand that I get upset when he makes it seem like he doesn't want to see me, or doesn't like me. I'm almost angry at him for not trying...I think he just doesn't really know what to feel. He still talks to me...and makes a point to talk to me...but I can't detect any hint of him caring for me, other than that...

He said before that when he got into a relationship, he had to be serious about it. I feel the opposite way. I wouldn't want a relationship to begin seriously...I want something fun to turn into something serious. So, in college, I'm going to try and get into some good, fun relationships, and if something happens from there, then great. If nothing serious happens, I'm having fun anyway.

I know now that I will NEVER, EVER cheat on whoever I'm with. I know just how much it hurts when someone does that to you...and I would rather die than put someone through that pain.

I swear I'm going to try and make the posts happier. When I get to college, I'm sure they will be...
またね
美知子

Why?!

Three days! Three fucking days and it feels like 3 months...I hate myself for wanting and needing him, it's not fair. Why can't I just let it all go? It's because I'm not only not talking to someone I loved and had an intimate relationship with, but one of my best friends...I talked to him so much and he was the only person I could really enjoy talking to...I want to talk to him so much I feel like I'm going to break down...
But if I talk to him...what am I supposed to do? Keep getting hurt...stay in love with him and never experience someone else? Why, why, why can't I have someone like him right now who didn't hurt me?
If I talk to him, I'll hate myself. If I don't talk to him...I'll just be depressed. I can't stop thinking about him.
By not talking to him, am I just avoiding him? Am I avoiding what I really feel? What am I supposed to do?

Are You Ready for This?

Ok here goes.
He doesn't give a flying fuck about me. I thought he cared for me a little bit, but no..he doesn't. We had everything that makes a relationship except the titles, and I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me, then kinda took it back...
NOW he's told me that he had sex twice with his ex-BOYFRIEND! After I told him I loved him...you'd think he'd be considerate enough to let me go, to stop being so freaking intimate with me...but no! he kept it from me for a couple of weeks! And I've been denying the pain he's put me through, but now it's all crashing down on me in one huge tsunami of hurt. My heart crumbled, shattered, disintegrated...

I don't ever want to feel that pain again. He was everything I wanted. Though the tiny fragment of the heart that belonged to him, which still remains, is denying it, I will never be able to have him. It hurts to know that I will get nothing that I want. So I decided with my friends' help that I would cut off contact with him...for a few months at least. I need to stop loving him if I can. If I can't? I won't ever talk to him again. I devoted the last year of my life to him, and I feel so STUPID now for doing so. The only thing I wanted was for him to be happy, if he had called me in the middle of the night saying he wanted me there, I would have been there. I don't know if there was anything I wouldn't have done for him. And that scares me. It scares me that I could be so devoted to someone. But maybe that's what love is? Devoting every cell in your body to someone. So, if I love him this much...how do I get over that? I said I would come back to him as his friend...but...can I really come back having fallen out of love? I don't know if my heart wants to let go of that love.

So I need to find someone else to love. Someone I can find that will devote themselves to me, like I would do for them. Someone who won't hurt me. Someone who respects me...Someone who won't treat me like I'm DISPOSABLE...

I saw him one last time to say goodbye...I didn't cry until I was walking away...luckily one of my best friends was there with me to support me...and she let me cry...then after I was done, we went out and had a blast. She made me laugh so hard I cried...It will be her and the other friends I have around me that will get me through this...

Did I say this already? A few years ago I was diagnosed with depression. Those who have not experienced this disease doesn't know what it's like to be sad ALL THE TIME. Day in and day out, all tears and sadness. Problems I couldn't solve...people I couldn't stand. I took comfort in, regrettably, my OCD. I would watch movies in my room over and over and over, until I could recite the lines word for word. That was my vice, that's how I escaped the sadness. It was wrong. I couldn't face the sadness so I avoided it. Shit...that's kinda what I'm doing now, isn't it? But what else am I going to do? If I keep loving him, I'm just going to get hurt again and again. The morning after he confessed to me, I woke up, and that same sadness, the way my body felt, numb and heavy and lifeless...that's how I felt. That sadness is one of the worst memories for me, I NEVER wanted to feel it ever EVER again. He forced me...to feel it. So I need to stop loving him...I forgave him, I always do...but how many more times will I need to forgive him if I keep loving him? Doesn't he not deserve my love? He doesn't understand how much I love him or how much I devote myself to him.

So now it's only been two days, but it feels like two weeks. I can't imagine myself getting through this, but I'm going to give it my all. No matter how much it hurts...
But he made me relive the thing that I had been pushing myself away from.

So I've decided. Until I find someone new, and even after maybe. I won't contact him at all. Until I fall out of love...I can't. And you know what. I've decided to pick up tennis. Not even kidding. I'm going to learn and start playing it. It will be my new vice, and it's a healthy one too. My university has great indoor tennis courts, and I hope I can play at least a couple of times a week. I also just emailed the tennis instructor asking if she would give me lessons. So far I've only played by myself against a brick wall, but hopefully my dad can find some time to play with me eventually.

I'm going to go play again tomorrow morning. I think I picked a good vice.

Sorry about how long this rant was...it was long coming though...

またね
美知子

BAH. BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH!!!!
No! There's no way I can love him. He doesn't understand me! At all! It doesn't even seem like he cares...
Whatever, I can't wait for college.
I found out where I'm living on campus and who my room mate is. I bought a fridge and a microwave AND A BEANBAG CHAIR. I'm so excited.
I hope my suite is freaking co-ed...I wouldn't be able to be in such close quarters with only girls...ugh.
I've been looking all over facebook for my suite-mates, but I can't seem to find them. It makes me sad, because I want to know!!!
So anyway. I feel so blah. I just wanna go to college now, and leave everything else behind. Start anew, you know? I just hope that I make a good impression at first at the school, so everything can go well after that...
I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, it seems like I have so much to do, but I can't bring myself to do it. Like calling my mom, or visiting my grandparents, or mowing the lawn...it's not like I don't wanna do those things...I'm just lazy I guess...
I can't think of anything else to write...
Until later...
美知子

Alright. So, Now What?

Ok. We broke it off. Just friends now. But...I still love him. Oh well. I'll find someone else at college, right? I really need attention and affection. Just my personality, I suppose. I'll get over it. I'll need to study at college, I shouldn't worry about finding a significant other.

So I'm visiting my mother in Virginia. It's been a lot of fun. We went shopping for college stuff today, because there was no sales tax this weekend. It was great! I got a comforter, stationery and supplies, and a bunch of other stuff for my dorm. I feel so excited now!

Plus! I got into a residential living community arts program called Anime as an Art Form. It wasn't the Japanese program that I wanted to get into but it was my second choice so I'm happy. College is going to be amazing. Or at least I hope it will be. I suppose things are what you make of them, though. So I'll make this experience amazing.

Well I have a headache, so I'm off for now...
またね
美知子です

Well...

He WAS sick. Maybe I'm intuitive after all...

ugh. so. yeah. I'm not so fine. Right now my head is saying just forget about him, because you're going to get hurt. And my heart won't let me stop loving him. Someone needs to help me figure out what to do. Actually, I want HIM to help me figure out what to do. But he hasn't talked to me...except for like two sentences last night. I'm just getting sick of this. Maybe I deserve better, someone who cares more, or gives me more attention. And then...I remember how happy I am when I'm with him. But then again, when I'm not with him...which is most of the time, I'm just unhappy. I don't deserve that, do I?

So what in the hell am I supposed to do? Stop loving him? How am I supposed to do that?
What am I supposed to do?
Maybe I need someone else to help me stop loving him...
But...I can't love anyone else...I just can't...
What am I saying? I don't know that I can't love anyone else...
Maybe I'll try...and then he won't have to deal with me anymore. I want him to be happy. And if he can't be happy with me, if he doesn't believe that I'm good enough for him...I'll get out of his way...
I just want to talk to him about it...but he won't respond to any kind of contact...IM, phone, anything...maybe he hates me...then again...maybe he's sick...

Grrr. I'm so confused, and sad, and lonely...
I don't like this...I don't deserve this...
I don't want to deal with it anymore...
And then...I do....

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

I just don't get it. It seems like forever since we last spoke, though it's only been two days. Why hasn't he contacted me?

I feel so stupid because things are running through my mind like: maybe he realized he doesn't love me and doesn't wanna hurt me by telling me that, or maybe he's in trouble, or hurt, or something terrible. He's probably just busy, but he worries me. I can hear some wise person saying "That's love, hunny," so I'll shut up now.

Enough of my annoying-ness. I leave for Virginia tomorrow. I feel sad to leave my home, but I'll be coming back soon, so I guess it's ok. My little sister came up for the weekend. She was staying with my mom in Virginia. She's such a little goofball. I love her. I don't know what a 16 hour car ride to Virginia is going to be like with her, though. Yes, I'm riding in an 18-wheeler. So much fun...not.

I guess I'll post a little later tonight. I'm feeling kinda down.
またね
美知子です

Wow...

So, I guess some of the things I said in my last post weren't true...
I thought he could never love me... but I guess he does...

I'm indescribably happy right now.

I hadn't really loved anyone before, so I never knew what it felt like to tell someone I love them. Now I do...and now I know what it's like for that person to say it back. It feels amazing...

The problem? I'm going to Virginia for a couple of weeks, and won't be able to see him until I get back. But it's ok. Last night left me with enough happiness to last a few weeks, and the memories will last for much longer than that....

I think I'm just going to delete my last post...I was really wrong I guess. Maybe I was just sad at the time...or something. Maybe my intuition isn't that strong.

Anyway. So I'm happy. Except my arm hurts from a stupid tetanus shot plus a meningicoccal(sp?) vaccine. It wouldn't bother me, except I sleep on my side...

Funny Story! So the other day, one of my friends and I went to a consignment shop. Well, there was a wedding dress in there, and we decided I should try it on. And I did. It was a gorgeous dress. Though it was a little heavy, and it wouldn't zip up all the way because I have breasts, but it was still fun to try on. My friend took a picture, maybe I'll post it later. Anyway, we also decided that we were going to go to a bridal shop, and tell them I'm getting married just so I can try on dresses. I thought that would be amazing. That dress made me want to get married, LOL.

Today seems a lot brighter to me....

Finally! A happy post! ^_^

あたしはとても嬉しいです！
I'm so happy!

またね
美知子です（I'm using a different character for "mi" now)