Okay, I'm ready

Alright.
So today I had that Art History exam and it went pretty well. I know I got two of the questions wrong, so based on how much I studied, I might have gotten 4 or 5 wrong out of 50 questions. Not too shabby. So I'm currently bed-ridden for female problems and I may have to go to the doctor tomorrow; not fun.
I just need to rest... I'll talk later... also upset because I'm disappointed in Joe.
Mata... ne...

No Time!

I have an Asian Art History exam tomorrow and I need to sleep, so I'll have to just post tomorrow...
Mata ne!

(Speechless)

Okay... I guess I'm speechless. I honestly didn't think that I could love someone as much as I love Joe. I don't really know what I'd do without him...

We spent a pretty close night together. I really think that we're okay being apart, because the times we do spend together make us so close that it doesn't matter how far apart we are any other time. I would rather he was here with me all the time, but maybe being apart at first will be better. All I know is that I love him, and I'm pretty damn sure I'm never going to stop for as long as I live. He might just be my soul-mate... for lack of a better word. Okay, I'm done ranting about him. ^_^

So today wasn't horrible, but it was pretty long and tiring. I got up at like noon, ate breakfast/lunch and then Kelly and I started studying for the Art History exam we have on Wednesday. Then we had to go to the silly anime meeting where we are currently watching the most stupid anime I've ever seen. I'm serious. It may be cute sometimes, but it just doesn't hold my interest. Ugh.

People are annoying me again. I'm trying my very hardest to control myself and not get frustrated with any of them, but it's hard. Have you ever felt like you just need some time to yourself. Well, ever since I was little, I've felt like that a lot. So when I don't get any "just me" time, which usually occurs on the weekend, I get a little pent-up frustration. I just like to be alone where no one can bug me or talk to me about useless things.

I'm going to the clinic on Tuesday to see if I can get some meds for the silly depression/mood swings I've been having. I think the birth control is causing it, but of course you can't reverse the effects of a shot.

Also, my jaw has been hurting a lot tonight, and it's only the right side. It feels very strange. I guess I'll just sleep it off and hopefully it'll be better by tomorrow morning. Stupid jaw.

This morning I had a little scare. I was supposed to turn in the roster by noon and I woke up too late, but I did get it in. And other people were handing in their rosters late, too. So I don't feel so bad.

Okay, I'm going to watch an episode of Bleach and then go to bed. I'm just really really tired.

Mata ne, I'm sure this time.

So many wrong things right now!

Okay, here's another one of my stupid early morning hours post. I'm probably going to regret it later.

I am SOOOO mad at myself. I can't even control any of my emotions. They just spill out of me and I end up hurting other people and then myself. I feel so stupid! I don't want to do this anymore. I'm starting to think it's the birth control, but if it is, then I can't help it because you can't reverse the effects of a shot.

I can't even study properly for school. I'm ending up concentrating more on stupid things like waiting for my boyfriend to get online or reading manga. And when I do study, I'm thinking about other things so that I can't really focus. I wish I could control myself.

I don't know what to do. This happens so often, not knowing what to do. I feel like all I can do is just let things happen to me. What's going on is that my emotions are controlling me. If I feel annoyed that Joe has to go to sleep... actually that's probably more like jealousy at this point, because I wish I could be the one to go to sleep first... it happens rarely, if at all. So I act rudely. And I'm also at the point where I can't even tolerate people in general. Like I want to hole myself up inside my own personal box and keep everyone out. And then I act poorly towards people, too. I used to just be able to act nice towards everyone, even if they annoyed me. I guess my passive-aggression is manifesting itself. I just want to have a little control, and not hurt the people I care about.

I feel like my main emotions lately have been anger and annoyance and sadness and disappointment. And I feel like they are ALL unjustified. It's so stupid to be annoyed with someone for having a conversation with me when I feel like being alone, and it's stupid to get angry at someone for not talking to me. It's stupid to feel extreme sadness and disappointment when Joe has to go to bed, and I'm not tired yet. I just feel really stupid. I don't even want to deal with things anymore. I want to be stable. I want everything to be stable. I want my emotions to be stable, and my sleeping habits to be stable, and my relationships with other people to be stable. There are just so many things going wrong right now, and I don't know how to make them right...

Why can't things just be right? Nothing is okay right now!!! I can't handle it!

Mata ne.... hopefully...

What a day...

Alright.
So I didn't go to English today... I was far too tired, and I wanted to study for Calculus but that didn't happen. I went to Art History, and almost fell asleep. Then, after doing notes at Brennan's, I went to my Calculus mid-term exam. I think I did horribly. I felt like crying in the middle of the exam because I had to leave some blank because I just didn't know how to solve them. I feel terrible. It really sucks.

But other than that it was a good day. I'm excited to wear a new dress I got for St. Patrick's day. It's really pretty. I also have my Japanese mid-term exam tomorrow. I really really hope I get a perfect score but I don't think that's gonna happen. I often make silly little mistakes with Kanji and stuff... but I've been studying my kanji a lot. Particles are kinda hard, too. I really want the college of Arts and Sciences to get back to me on the whole major change and whatnot. Maybe I'll get the e-mail tomorrow. I hope so...

Ahhh. I really don't have too much else to say. We sent out the Anime program acceptances last night. We still haven't heard from one person so we don't know whether or not he'll say yes, but Anime was his first choice so I imagine he'll agree.

One of my friends is considering dropping out of school. I really don't want him to, but he needs to get it together if he's gonna make it here. I'm glad he's coming to me for support. I like to be there for people when they need me. Feels good, I guess. He's a really good guy so I want him to stay, so we're gonna talk on Wednesday. I also think he has other stuff going on that he needs to talk about. I hope everything turns out right for him. He deserves it.

Heehee, Joe got his hair cut. Apparently really short, too. I really wanna see the pictures!!! He needs to get back from dinner so that he can post them online! I'm anxious!

Hmm, well I guess I need to review for the Japanese test... or I'll read a manga or something.

OKAY! THE MUSIC APPRECIATION SUITE NEEDS TO LEARN THAT DRUMMING ON EVERYTHING IN THEIR ROOMS IS REALLY ANNOYING TO THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE BELOW THEM!!!! AS IS THEIR MUSIC PLAYING ON REPEAT WITH A REPETITIVE BASS LINE FOR A HALF AN HOUR!!!! UUUUGGHHHH!!!

Okay, going to go do something else. Mata ne...

Long time, No see...

Alright. It's been a while, I know. I'm down in Virginia visiting my mom. Tomorrow, I fly back to Vermont. Sooooo... in the past week, a lot of things have happened to me.

Biggest thing: I'm changing my major again. I finally realized that I should be doing what I like doing. Not music education, because that would just be too much work. I'd have to take care of kids and a music library, and instruments, and there are too many different things that I would have to concentrate on with that job. My scatterbrain couldn't handle it. I need something more "black and white" as my mom would call it. So I was thinking about business. It seemed like a stable career, it had enough options to choose from. But you know what? It's not right. I can feel it. And I was reflecting about how I didn't know what I wanted to do, and my mom said that I just had to do what I liked to do. Well, thinking about what I liked to do, I could only come up with Japanese... it's the only thing I like studying for. Actually... I study for it when I'm bored. It doesn't seem like a job ever. Playing the clarinet was always a job or a chore. Studying for economics or thinking about the financial system of the country always seemed like it was over my head. Japanese is just fun. The only thing was, I thought of it as more of a hobby.

Then... I was thinking: Japanese COULD be a job. I was reading a manga at the time, and I thought about how it gets to the state it is so that Americans can read it. Well, wouldn't you know, they need a translator, an editor, a proofreader... I could do all that stuff! I'm a grammar/spelling freak, so in the process of translating text, I'm going to be adjusting grammar and I'll always have good spelling. So why couldn't I be a translator for an Anime or Manga company? It would be sooo cool! And if that didn't work out... well my sister and mom work at a cancer center hospital thing, and they're always calling for translators, as are different companies and hospitals and... well as long as I took some medical terminology course (which you can do online) I could always fall back to that! It seems almost too perfect. But why do something that I only sort of like, and am really terrible at, when I can do something I like that I'm really good at? DUH! I'm also going to minor in Film and TV studies, because it kinda goes along with anime. And I can use it in a business fashion too, as film and TV is an industry that has some international relations stuff...

Another thing I realized, is that I'm a little crazy. Joe didn't talk to me for like 3 days and I was flipping out. I haven't been sleeping well either, so that's been making me grouchy. And I'm just really insecure. I don't even know why, because Joe makes me feel incredibly safe and secure. I'm probably taking for granted what we have. I'm going to stop doing that, and accept that he can't be there for me 24/7 since we're not even living in the same state. >_< It's my fault for getting angry, and it was a little unjustified.

So another thing. I'm in Virginia... and you would think that it would have been nice and warm, right? Nope. There was one day this week that was 70 degrees. The rest were cold. It even snowed one morning. And we were supposed to go to the beach today, but we couldn't because it was cold and rainy. Grr.

I go back to school tomorrow. I have to study for a calculus midterm that I have on Monday... ewww. I also have a Japanese midterm on Tuesday, but I'm not concerned about that... ^_^

Wow. I had a lot to say, I guess. I'm kinda just waiting for Joe to get back from a concert so I can talk to him some more. I get to see him next week!!! So excited!!!

mata ne. I don't know when the next post will be, but I'll try to do it soon...

Frustration much?

Alright. From the title you can probably guess that I'm pretty damn frustrated. I don't know if I even wanna deal with anyone right now. For most people, I'm not even mad at them, I just can't bring myself to be happy. I kinda want to be left alone, but then again, I don't. I'm just so torn between all these things that are happening to me and I don't know how to deal with them. There doesn't seem to be any decision that I can make that would leave me feeling happy, or even just okay... This sucks a lot.
and, yet again... I don't know what to do...

Hmmph

Well... I had an interesting weekend. So I got really scared of the gentlemen on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I mean legitimately out-of-my-mind scared. It was horrible. They terrify me. Joss Whedon is crazy, but he's also brilliant. Dollhouse is fantastic too!

So I don't know why I'm upset about this, but Joe hasn't talked to me much in the last couple of days. We talked a bit last night but... still. He doesn't answer his phone, and I really want to hear his voice. He's not a bad boyfriend, and I'm angry at myself for getting so upset about it... but a 5 minute call wouldn't be too much to ask would it? I hope I'm not over-reacting again...

Anyway. So I'm considering going to the doctor (again), because for the past week I've been having these on and off cramps. They seem like the PMS-y kind but they're sharper and shorter-lasting. Technically you're supposed to see a doctor if cramps last for more than 3 or 4 days but I don't want to make it seem like more than it is. For all I know, it could just be my birth control. Ugh. I'll go on like Tuesday or Thursday if I'm not better (or if I don't get my period) by tomorrow. Stupid body with its stupid problems. Grrr.

Other than that, Program Director stuff for next year is going alright. It's going to be hard to choose people to put into our program... we'll manage though. Program fair on Wednesday!

Not much else going on. Two midterms on Thursday. Econ at 4 and Japanese oral exam at 6:30... >.< not really fun, but I'll just have to deal with it...

It's going to be a busy week. Tuesday I'm going to see Slumdog Millionaire, and we're making stuff for the Program Fair, which is on Wednesday. Thursday I have two midterms and our Art Gallery is opening at 6:00. Friday I'm going home with some of my stuff and hopefully moving some of my possesions into the new house. Then next Monday I'm flying down to Virginia to see my mom!

Busy Busy!